Life has a peculiar way of teaching us who truly values us. One of the most eye-opening lessons many people face is the realization that others often only start liking them—respecting them, acknowledging them, and even being kind to them—once they’ve proven themselves capable.
It’s a painful truth: capability, not kindness, often earns admiration in a world that rewards performance over personality.
And when you’re struggling? It’s a painful truth: many relationships are conditional, built not on genuine connection but on what you can offer.
The Warmth That Fades When You’re Struggling
Picture this: You’re in a rough patch like broke, uncertain, trying to find your path. Suddenly, people don’t respond to your texts as quickly. They politely nod but rarely engage deeply. Your opinions seem to hold less weight, your presence feels like an afterthought. You might wonder, “What changed?” or “What wrong?”
What changed is your perceived value.
In a society that often equates worth with productivity and results, struggling individuals are subtly—or overtly—pushed aside. People are drawn to success, or at least the illusion of it. It’s a painful irony: the moments when you need support the most are often the moments when others begin to vanish.
One of my proffessional connection said “Andrew, there’s no really really free lunch in this world” There’s always exchange value for what you looking for!
The Harsh Reality of Conditional Acceptance and The Shift: When Capability Appears
When you excel, whether in your career, talents, or social status—people gravitate toward you. They praise you, seek your advice, and want to be associated with you. Suddenly, doors open. Invitations appear. Compliments come more easily. People introduce you with pride. Even your old ideas are now considered insightful. What changed?
But the moment you fail, face setbacks, or simply aren’t at your best, some of those same people fade away. Their interest wasn’t in you; it was in what you provided.
People respect what they can benefit from or be inspired by. They gravitate toward individuals who can do something, achieve something, or offer something. Whether it’s a skill, a resource, or a network—capability makes you valuable in their eyes. And this value breeds attention, praise, even love.
This isn’t just about fair-weather friends. It’s a reflection of how society often operates: performance over personality, utility over authenticity. People love winners, but few stick around for the journey—especially when it gets messy.
Why Does This Happen?
- Convenience Over Connection : Many relationships are transactional. People like those who make their lives easier, whether through skills, resources, or social capital. When you stop being “useful,” you stop being a priority.
- Fear of Weakness : Some people avoid others’ struggles because they don’t want to deal with emotions, vulnerability, or the “burden” of support.
- Social Status : Being associated with someone successful can boost one’s own image. But when you’re no longer seen as valuable, that association loses its appeal.
Is It Shallow, or Is It Human?
It’s easy to label this behavior as shallow, and to an extent, it is. But it’s also deeply human. We are social creatures wired to survive and thrive, and part of that means aligning ourselves with people who can help us progress. This doesn’t mean everyone is selfish, but the instinct to respect capability is ingrained in our survival programming.
In ancient times, the strongest hunter or the wisest elder earned reverence. Today, it might be the most skilled coder, the sharpest marketer, or the most articulate speaker. The framework hasn’t changed—only the context.
The Dangerous Illusion of Conditional Affection
One of the biggest dangers of this dynamic is the illusion it creates. When people start liking you because you’re capable, it becomes easy to think they love you. But in reality, they may love the results you bring, the status you offer, or the way you make them feel about themselves.
This conditional affection can be a trap. You start associating self-worth with productivity. You push yourself to the edge, not because you love the grind, but because you’re afraid that without your achievements, you won’t be loved. The applause becomes addictive. The silence, terrifying.
The Loneliness of Being Valued Only for What You Do
It’s exhausting to feel like you must constantly prove your worth. The pressure to always be “on,” to never show weakness, can leave you feeling isolated—even when surrounded by people. You start to wonder: If I wasn’t good at this, would anyone still care?
And the worst part? When you do stumble, the silence can be deafening. Those who once cheered for you suddenly have no time for you. It makes you question every compliment, every friendship.
Once Again, Real Connection Is Rooted in Presence, Not Performance
So what can we do with this knowledge? First, recognize that not all affection is genuine. The people who stick with you when you’re uncertain, who cheer for you without benefit, who see your value beyond your achievements—those are rare and real connections.
Second, learn to love your own presence, not just your performance. You are more than what you produce. Capability is powerful, but it should never be the only reason you are valued—not by others, and certainly not by yourself.
Capability Is a Gift, Not a Condition
Let’s be clear: becoming capable is a wonderful, empowering journey. There’s nothing wrong with being admired for your abilities. But the key is understanding the line between admiration and affection. Use your capability as a gift to elevate others and enrich your life—not as a mask to earn love.
In the end, those who only like you when you’re capable were never truly in love with you. They were in love with your potential. The ones who matter will see your worth even when your hands are empty and your path is uncertain. They will stay, not because of what you can do, but because of who you are.
And that’s the kind of love worth striving for.
Finding the Right People
Not everyone operates this way. Some people will love you at your best and your worst—those who see your worth beyond achievements. The key is recognizing who those people are and holding onto them.
At the end of the day, your value isn’t determined by what you can do for others. You are more than your skills, your successes, or your usefulness. Real love and friendship shouldn’t come with conditions.
So if you’ve ever felt used or abandoned when you weren’t “enough,” remember: the problem isn’t you. It’s a world that sometimes forgets that people aren’t tools—they’re souls deserving of love, even when they aren’t at their best.
And maybe, just maybe, the right people will stay—not because of what you can do, but simply because of you.
PS :
Source image from freepik.com
This article was created by an AI machine to help me learn writing for IELTS preparation.
